Following Donna’s death I examined my loss and my grief relentlessly. Closure was never an option. Closure is indifference. Closure is denial said pretty. Closure ignores who Donna was and who she is within me. In my grief journey/work I’ve discovered three domains. We all grieve differently and each of our grief journeys are entirely unique. I attacked my grief hard and discovered its purpose and meaning for me. My wound of grief allowed light to enter.
Read moreThe Caregiver of Memories
Caregiving tasks suddenly and forever ended when Donna died three and half years after being told she would only live for six months. Caregiving tasks were the markers and check boxes for purpose during her treatment. That was all. Never meaning.
Read moreGrief Speaks: The Film The Truth
This is not just a film for those grieving it is for everyone one of us. Grieving, grief adjacent, afraid to support, grief dumb, and those who want to see grief from the inside.
Read moreThe Wound Called Grief is Love: Anniversary Edition
Cake Topper May 15, 1983
Anniversary grief is subtle when it starts. You know the date and in your mind there is a smile remembering what happened that day and all that make the 28 years that followed. Then one morning you wake expecting to do the usual calling Donna just because it's what you do to greet the day. Today it's a plaintive cry imploring the gods to ease the pain settled in your bones.
Read moreThis Is Interesting #22
Catching up on my grief, loss, and healing reading. Here are a few quick recommendations for our individual grief and the collective grief of being in a pandemic.
Read moreThe Mornings Of Mourning
Duvet swung right, feet pushed left and planted on the floor. 38 steps to the kitchen embedded in memory. Each day this repetitive genesis yielding to nothing matters. Then are the moments frozen in the emotional amber of grief. Tomorrow’s then’s are cataracts, cloudy at best.
Read moreWhy I Volunteer on Crisis Text Line (aka Why I'm Here)
Meaning will not happen because we wish it. It happens with careful tending, watering, and fertilizing. It took me years to find meaning, new or otherwise.
Read moreMy Two Families
Our Wedding Invite
My solo grief work and journey has changed. I can say that I am no longer a solo griever because I have two families. Hot Young Widows Club is my family who absolutely understands my grief. They know me without knowing me. Crisis Text Line is my other family. In some ways similar to my HYWC family. With my Crisis Text Line family I can become more of the person Donna loved into being.
Read moreA Failure to Thrive
I need to redefine thrive. My failure to thrive is a standard from another place and time. That previous standard is not producing the outcomes I expect because they as Donna liked to say “There is a reason they call it history. It happened then.” Old standards and outcomes are not applicable to me today.
Read moreThe Symbiosis of Grief and Love
The magnitude and trajectory of grief is determined by the individual. We all grieve differently. My grief is not your grief. We all step into that darkened forest unfamiliar with the direction to take bringing with us memories of what was lost and what has died. Those memories are glow sticks that are snapped to illuminate what can’t see. Still our hands touch the trunks of gnarled bark on tree trunks feeling our way what we hope is forward.
Read moreDomesticating The Feral Nature of Grief
On Vacation in Anguilla
Failure is a bit harsh when considering grief and sorrow but we all know how when we fail, we feel lost and hurt. That is what our grief feels like, I am lost. It feels as if I've failed at life. I let Donna die which is hard when I see and read those survivor stories why couldn’t I’ve made that a story for her?
Read moreMemory and Grief: A Venn Diagram of Sadness and Beauty
There is the darkness in my loss. The sense that Donna’s death has thrust me into this limbo. This emotional amber I am stuck in. The moments of the day the weeks where the usual events of the week, Friday night dinner out, movies, etc. are gapping wounds cut the fabric of time.
Read more"Grief is a Buddha"
As I read this piece and begin to understand what grief is Buddha means. I see it as part of me. Grief has made me what I am today. For me to rent my heart over my grief is to miss the fact I was made whole by my grief.
Read moreThis Is Interesting #17
MC Esher
I experienced survivor's guilt following Donna's death from cancer. I feel I do not deserve to have this home we created, be able to travel, be able to have joy that Donna is not having, and being alive. Survivor's guilt is real and my companion. I struggle to believe I did as much as possible to keep Donna alive. What I learned was that because of her I allowed Donna to be Donna till her death.
Read moreWhy I Wrote The Memoir Donna
Donna, A Memoir of Love and Loss was written to see the unseen beauty and love.
Donna, A Memoir of Love and Loss was written to see the unseen beauty and love. I exorcised my grief demons in writing and found a new and magical understanding of love and loss.
Read moreThis Is Interesting #15
Escher Eye
There is much written about famous ‘last words’. It is different in East and in the West. Finding meaning in life that cannot be minimized in death. When others judge your grief they need to see we all grieve differently.
Read moreThis Is Interesting #14
Escher Eye
Seniors as a forgotten generation are becoming more isolated and turning to suicide. Grieving on the Internet has its own set of rules. When your spouse there are gains that are not all that wonderful. Five rules to support a grieving person.
Read moreMy Grief Through Their Eyes
I was the docent for Donna’s death. I have been writing a chronicle reflecting on my memories of Donna and this period of guiding her to death. I interviewed those who knew both of us to learn what they saw and felt. In a way to see a truth outside of my memories.
Read moreIs My Grief My Crutch?
Confetti Hearts
I miss Donna. I miss the love I gave. I miss the love I received. I long to once again be loved into being. These emotions are paper cuts today not yesterdays lacerations. In all fairness even today they can bleed freely. Why have I not moved up or down stream? Why am I not sitting on the bank under a willow tree tossing pebbles into the water?
Read moreAsking Donna About End-of-Life
Grief is an artesian aquifer that lies deep within us in a dormant state. It flows up between the cracks of our bedrock memories when a loved one dies. This aquifer of grief is part love and part light. It holds a subtle promise to quench our loss and sustain us
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