My grief journey and grief work has been mostly if not completely a self-driven solo effort. The journey/work was and is all about reading, writing, reflecting, and sharing. It's focused on finding light in a dark warehouse where I stumble to identify a path. I push and pull at my grief and loss to see deep into its soul and discover new knowledge and understanding. Today I can say that I am no longer a solo griever because I have two families.
There is a difference between journey and work. On a journey you are launched into your grief and driven by memories to find your way. You are suddenly riding a path you have not chosen. You go where it takes you.
Grief work is different. It is from Freud and addresses his view the concept is ‘work' because if our grief is neglected we do so at our peril. It is a reconstructive process. For me it was all about learning and understanding my grief, my loss, and my love. Much to read on this here.
Over time the journey and work brought me great knowledge as seen on all the posts here, the memoir, and just being able to feel what I could not see. This journey/work also brought me to discover places and others who share this unique yet all too common world I live in.
Hot Young Widows Club
A year or so ago I stumbled upon a TEDTalk by Nora McInery "We Don’t “move on” from grief. We move forward with it.’ (I saw Nora speak a week or so ago and she mentioned that that talk was the #3 shared TEDTalk. No one shared it with me. I saw it in a news feed.)
In the talk McInery referenced something called The Hot Young Widows Club. I was so curious at first for the wrong reasons. Then reading about it and seeing that you needed $25 to join, have a certificate of death for your loved one, and they accept widowers I joined. I joined and never looked back.
HYWC is my family who absolutely understands my grief. They know me without knowing me. They dry my tears, cheer me on, give me hope, and make me see new light in the darkness of loss. They are me. I am them. Our DNA may not be family but it is a shared one. I know they love and support me unconditionally every fucking day. And, I them. On HYWC I am the person who knows and lives my grief with others. I’m safe to be me here. Even the worst me.
Crisis Text Line
Last month I joined Crisis Text Line. Well join is not quite right. I applied, filled out an application, had three references submitted, completed a background check, and committed to completing 200 hours in a year.
Before I could even begin I had to complete 30 hours of study (took me longer), tests, roll play, and complete submersion into how to be an effective crisis counselor. I graduated but not without challenging myself. Not just with new learning but, on topics that are emotional as well as an entire new vocabulary.
This organization is something to behold. Smart, dedicated, data drive, and the most embracing and supportive group I've ever met. Nancy Lublin, the CEO, is pure genius. I have heard her interviewed on an economic podcast and she is knows what is needed when someone is in crisis. Here is her TEDTalk. Lublin's vision and drive is why I joined. It was something I wanted to do that was bigger than me for a change. .
CTL is my other family. In some ways similar to my HYWC family. Everyone at CTL, coaches, supervisors, and other crisis counselors offer me unconditional love and support. In return I do the same. Not very different from HYWC.
The difference is that being part of CTL is less about a place for me to share and help others in grief. CTL is a place where I have discovered a chance to achieve meaning and purpose. I have a place and actual things to do that extends outside of me in helping others in crisis. It is a way to laser focus my the light that entered me though my grief wound and work for other. With my CTL family I can become more of the person Donna loved into being.