May 15th is my wedding anniversary. Donna and I were married May 15, 1983. This would be or is our 40th anniversary. Interesting that writing that exemplifies the struggle for me to use past tense or current tense. We're still married even if the line about till death do us part exists. Her death did not part us. In a way it brought us closer. The wound of grief allowed light in to me. I discovered more about me, us, and her as I slow walked my grief path.
One of the road signs on this path are dates. As with everyone's path with grief. Anniversary dates specifically. Donna died in 2011. The years following her death as May rolled up my emotions roiled became visceral. Failure to keep her alive. Being alone and not able to buy her gifts. Wanting to join her in death so she wouldn't be alone. We could be together. Creating posts and shares. All of that became my way to exorcise my grief pain.
As the years past the acute awareness of the date faded. Not that I forgot it, more that I did not plan my pain around. I did not prepare for the day of abject grief. What began to happen was subtle emotions or physical reactions creeped in. It made me sit up and notice, to ask huh? When I stopped to think about it I realized it was the approaching our anniversary. The body knows. At that point I had my usual response posts, struggle, pain of loss, and sadness.
Today or in recent years I know the date is looming it is there for me to embrace. Not suffer with though there is always a struggle. I wonder have I lost my love for what was and what is Donna and I and love? The emotional reaction to the day is still there but less beating on me inflecting hurt and grief. It is more pulling her closer to me and embracing the love and life we had. Have. I do feel guilt that I'm not suffering more since over all these years suffering was the manifestation of us.
There are these moments I witness that halts me. Freezes me in the moment and brings into sharpe focus the entire grief journey and all of its elbows striking me. Those moments are seeing videos, films, posts, or writings of others weddings and anniversary shares. Since her death these settled deep into my heart creating responses. I can easily state the responses are painful, why me, hurt, etc. They have what I lost. What I failed to see was the why. Why does this happen beyond just the date when I see these posts?
My first gut reaction is, why the hell are you doing this to me? Boosting bragging while those of us widowed have lost all of that an more. It feels like a hungry child watching a video of a child eating ice cream.
That is not me. Not my heart nor my being. Others deserve that joy I had that joy. I lived it. Felt it. Bathed myself in it. My reaction is not envy or sadness. It is from the absence that loss has created. It is my audible sign.
Today as I share this I know or see that my grief has matured. I'm able to look and understand even better that my loss is less a profound loss. It is more of the growing examination of the negative space created by Donna's death. To find what is there for me for us and for my growth. Though I still feel meh about me.