The other day a dear friend was in town and I got to have dinner with him. mmmm Or him with me? Or we both had dinner. No matter for this long term friendship we find, embrace, savour, and celebrate the moments we break bread to connect. He's a luminary in his field and highly regarded. Well you see old, struggling, isolated, and aging like a carton of milk. My buddy would challenge me on this. Dope slap the back of my head. And point out over the 10+ years we've known each other my growth and change has been something to behold. Ok he's smarter than me but I'm older and stubborn AF. I like my lack of self worth. Keeps the scourge of hubris in check.
I digress. My buddy and I were hanging out over dinner and later drinks. I mentioned something that I say when doing my crisis intervention volunteering. Connection is at the heart of our humanity. I use that to enable those I'm helping understand that reaching out to us or others is how we grow and feel who we are as humans. To validate that connection can help them so much.
Humans cannot live in isolation we need connection. It seemed my buddy hadn't heard that but understood it. I'd guess he wrote a research paper on the topic. This Robert Oppenheimer like Brainiac got it but hadn't heard quite that way. So that's todays topic.
In the extreme as mentioned I use that when I'm doing crisis intervention. In everyday life I don't use it as intensely but I do it in small ways. Ways that help me recognize my humanity and others to feel human. To not feel invisible or unheard. Here's an example.
I'm sometimes thunderstruck by my neighbors. Or those special folks living in my zip code.
Checking out at WF and the cashier had a sign on her station "Cashier in Training". As usual I connect with others who are working in jobs that well are a bit thankless. I always ask how ya doing? Your week good? Looking forward to getting done? And the thank you. This time I also noted the training sign and asked how was the training going. They responded with a laugh. "I've been here for a couple of years just new to cashier. It's funny I'm the fastest one here. I got this. But people will come up see the sign and say I don't have time for this."
Ahhh the deeply compassionate, empathetic, understanding, and considerate folks here. I mean I get it bro's have to buy sell and make the bucks. Be all vapid in their Air Birds and vests. Stroller Tradwife's need to mange playdates and yoga, and of course shop. So much for recognizing others who are not us."
So from my limited perspective and data random acts of kindness bolster my happiness and those I share with. Let's go to the data.
A recent article in Scientific American "Kindness Can Have Unexpectedly Positive Consequences" looks at a recent study by Nicholas Epley a behavioral scientist at the U of Chicago examined possible explanation of why these random acts of kindness does not capture the magnitude of value for the recipients.
Here are some highlights from the 1,000 person analysis.
Participants underestimated their positive impact. It really matters to the recipients
Recipients focused more on the warmth of the act than of an item shared
There is a pay it forward component to these acts. They hear it and will do it. See one do one teach one.
"These findings suggest that what might seem small when we are deciding whether to do something nice for someone else could matter a great deal to the person we do it for. Given that these warm gestures can enhance our own mood and brighten the day of another person, why not choose kindness when we can?"
Being transactional may provide you with something. Transactions are vapid. Take a moment and connect. It takes nada and does so much.
For me this random kindness behavior began after Donna died and got deeply involved in the grief community. I found that those who took a moment to recognize my struggle or just note a kind word about all I was going through gave me a lift. Made me feel less alone and broken. So much so that I began to do the same for them and expand that to others randomly. It works for me and will work for you. Try it out. Take a moment. Give a bit of kindness and see.
I saw the Play Uncle Vanya the other day and there was a brochure about Checkov the playwright. He was a Dr. A psychologist and "his focus landed not so much on the experience of pain itself as on the problem of living next to pain. If I'm aware of the agony around me, he asked, ho do I go about my life while it continues unabated? That is, without either hardening my heart or losing my mind?"
Kinda says it all for me on why I'm here and do the other volunteer work I do.