I just finished reading "Gateway" a science fiction book published in 1977 written by Frederik Pohl a legendary sifi writer who has written so much. "Gateway" won a host of science fiction awards..Hugo Award, Locus Award, Nebula Award, and the John W. Campbell Memorial ward for Best Science Fiction Novel. And it was made into a computer game. Link below.
hmmmm okay why is a scfi book being shared on a YouTube channel all about love, loss, and grief? What? You didn't ask? No one does so don't fret. There will be some spoilers here but not sure I can get to the point of all of this with out breaking a few eggs. The gist of the book is that there is a long vanished alien race called the Heechee that have left behind valuable artifacts. Anyone can climb into one of their abandoned space ships and be lunched into parts of the universe unknown to find wealth or possible death. The protagonist Robinette Broadhead gambled and won. Simple enough but a brilliant read.
Broadhead is struggling with his own despair and issues of loss and love. On this outpost way out in the universe there's a psychiatrist called Sigfrid. Yup Sigfrid. Sigfrid is a bot or I guess today we'd call AI. Mind you this was written in 1977. Of course robots were the rage then still are but in the form of AI. Sigfrid is an AI Hologram. How did Pohl know back then that today online therapy would be just like this. It's at the end of the book when Broadhead and Sigfrid are deep diving into his despair is where Gateway fits into grief and loss. Know vs. Feel Trust your instincts.
Earlier in the book there is a mention of feel vs. know. Never considered that though when I'm crisis counseling I do speak to trusting your instincts. Feel vs. know turns out to be a rather rich trove of discussions, branches going here and there everywhere, and rabbit holes of wow. Let me take a moment to share the most rudimentary ideas of Knowing vs. Feeling. Y'all know full well I barely graduated from high school. Learned philosophers and psychologist have been bitching at each other that reason and emotion are separate opposing systems. mmmmm okay. Then in 1990's a study was done that found emotion can improve decision-making because emotions grab attention and our cognition emotions can help or hinder various tasks.
So a bit more on this feel v know thing. Reason and logic are excellent ways to get to accurate understanding while emotions are irrational and makes us act too quickly and make mistakes. I further learned there is something called the Somatic Marker Hypothesis link below if you feel like getting all neuroscientist. In brief SMH tells us that our emotional systems are needed t make good decisions. Emotional responses include HR increase, sweating on our palms/pits or fingertips, etc motivate us to make particular decision. We stop analyzing in response and choose. So emotions can bring a lot to our decision making when we listen to them and not react. Or we can gallop off in reaction to the emotional response.
Back to Gateway. Broadhead is in agony over the loss of a love interest and friends durning a mission in which he survived. His guilt is killing him. Broadhead says "Sigfrid I did murder her! She's gone." Sigfrid responds "But Bob we've been all over this. She's still alive; they all are. Time has stoped for them." That struck me because Donna in my life and mind is still alive it's only her time stopped her time to grow change learn and more that has stopped. She's still alive for me. I try to grow her in my life but sadly she's frozen in time. And all I can do is this shit. shrug
The single most important share between Broadhead and Sigfrid is how guilt ridden Broadhead feels about his loss and the death of the team he rode with to find wealth. He returned and became wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. Broadhead is suffering greatly he relates that her death is feeling he betrayed her. He says he can't live with that. Oh do I know that feeling. Some days I barley want to live. I want to join Donna. Sigfrid addresses this guilt. It is a painful thing because it's it's a behavior modifier. It will influence you to avoid guilt-inducing actions which are valuable for us. In other words saying you cannot use it if you do not feel it. Feel vs Know Out in the open it. If it's buried it cannot work for you.
My guilt around Donna's death is pervasive as is my guilt being me. Let me toss out some examples. I let Donna die I should have saved her life. I know it was cancer not me still the guilt that she died are tentacles that grip me tightly. I feel that I let her die and know it was not me. Not think it. Another example is I think I've become better at compassion and care for others though my volunteer crisis counseling. I feel guilty Donna will not benefit from my growth. She's dead. Rando's benefit. I know if she were here she'd benefit but, I feel I should have done more, been more, just more of who I think I am now while she was in treatment. What I know now may have made a difference in my being the docent for her death. Another one, shortly after her death I donated her clothes, shoes, etc. I did it thinking it was important for many reasons. While taking these items to the donation drop off I cried feeling that I was betraying her memory. Feel vs know. It wasn't until this writing that I see feel vs know as parts of my emotional puzzle.
In the end of Gateway and this is the major spoiler, Broadhead is grieving and hating that he's alive. Sigfrid speaks to the fact Broadhead suffers guilt, fear, pain, and, envy. Those are the motivators the modifiers of his life my life now. Sigfrid says that he only has the qualities of hypothetically sense a way to make a paradigm. He says "You asked me. Do you call this living?" Yes it is exactly what I call living. And in my best hypothetical sense. I envy it very much."
So feel vs know, science fiction, and this channel there it is. Feel vs know are critical to our humanity. Connecting them makes us more human. Our feelings are the sled dogs that our know needs to steer away from the abject pain of life or to guide us toward knowledge that our minds need. Grief is the wound that allows light and knowledge in if we listen and look.