Each time I create from a perception I discover a new perception. Each perception creates new within me. It fosters discovery and understanding. I would see a sweater that I knew Donna would love. I would create an image of her wearing it, seeing us going to dinner, us laughing, and talking.
Read moreMy Grief: Devoured From Within Devoured From Without
Barcelona
This grief, my grief, occupies a vault within me. A compartment connected to all the other compartments in my mind and heart. This compartment leaks like a thatched roof in a monsoon memories to all parts of me. Around me the world at large. The world outside of the within me is my life as I know it. It's the outside compartments with less grief. More life sans meaning & purpose for me. This outside world devours me as well and has an equal effect on me as the grief within me.
Read moreThe Mirror
With a damp index finger he pushed little drops of condensation away. Swiping left right left right making rivulets to sharpen the image. The finger touched the nose in the mirror slowly then moved up and left and stroked the left eye. He tapped it to see if it would blink. No blink just an eye looking back into his eyes.
Read moreA Decade of Grief & Transparency
Our Rings Her Ashes
This was originally post at Hot Young Widows Club #hywc between Thanksgiving and Christmas 2019.
Since Thanksgiving the whole grief thing felt like those floaters we have in our eyes. Little black spots that you can see bouncing in your field of vision. Some days harshly bouncing off the concrete wall in paddle ball. Other days a pink Spaldeen sitting in a gutter.
I've been thinking I should do a NYE post about Donna's and her last NYE to kind of address this season of grief. I realized (slow one I am) this is the end of decade and everyone is doing decade reviews of: albums, books, movies, styles of underwear they wore, etc. Add to that I'm listening to a podcast with Dax Shepard interviewing Edward Norton where they got to talking about how when people step out of their mold and take risks that that transparency shown outwardly can be a prism for others to engage or find their way.
I heard that and thought about us here. Not just #HYWC but any platform or grief support group, etc. I have been posting, podcasting, wrote a book about my grief and grief in general. I was using my grief in a transparent fashion to, one come to terms with it, second share it with others. Somewhere in there I hoped it would help someone somewhere.
Historically way back when we lived in villages death of a loved one was a village event. Wids were not left alone. The community/village gathered around the town fountain or center to support the widow. Grief was a currency of need and support where all gathered to help the one grieving. Fast forward to the 20th century and our grief journey became more and more isolated as populations dispersed to suburbs. In that environ grief was a sorrow carried alone with all its transient suffering.
Today within our community and others we are gathered around a virtual village fountain sharing. Our personal grief shared allows other to see their grief and access it. AND it helps us understand and find a safe place to grieve. Shared emotions and ideas can only serve to help others integrate new knowledge into their world to create a new consciousness.
I guess this decade, as I look back, is one where I have journeyed with my grief to learn and understand me, Donna, love, and others. I, in a way, am an advocate for grief and our collective need to share. I root for my grief and yours. Not for the pain but the window of light it can allow in. I am going to write a longer post about this idea better thought out. For now much love today and into 2020.
The pictures are from NYE 12/31/2010 into 1/1/2011. I think you can see on Donna's face she was in pain. As I look harder at the photos I think she knew this would be her last NYE. Until I can no longer write or talk about these topics she will never not be with me on NYE.
