This post is from my YouTube Channel: The Voice Inside Me
There's that chestnut about never knowing what someone is going through so be kind to everyone. This is something we should all consider when we connect with others. To provide grace and kindness unconditionally. With friends as well as ourselves. Knowing what we're going though and being kind to ourselves is just as important. We should listen to our inner voice that speaks to us. Allow it to heard by others as a validation that we are alive and in motion.
I'm a devourer of books, films, TV, and music. Listening, reading words and ideas with my mouth agape at brilliance. All the while thinking how I can use what I'm learning to write, this, and other things. I get all charged and pumped. Make furious notes. Write my thoughts down on random pieces of paper and back of envelopes. Yes I have envelopes. Ready to charge the day and create.
mmmmm well not so fast all I've discovered, saved, and ready to be loaded to my imagined creative raft to be paddled down stream finding ports known and unknown is suddenly sitting in a dry river bed of cracked dirt and dead salamanders. There is no flowing of water to carry me on. aka drive motivation excitement.
I've not given up seeing and learning and hearing but it goes nowhere. I just sit and stare and hope. Which feels like I'm walking around with a sandwich board saying the end is nigh. I struggled to sort out the WTF of this moment why. Is it depression? I'm a carrier of depression I give it I don't get it. Is it the reality of me I'm just done trying. Caught between I don't care and nothing matters. Or am I delusional believing I'm worthy to achieve what I visualize. Let me spin this.
I've been watch Shogun on FX. The new adaptation of the novel of the same name by James Clavell. It is brilliant and genius and just perfectly done. I can only compare what I see on my OLED Flat Screen as similar to the post I did about Jody Comer. Just being in the presence of greatness. makes me swoon and weep. Add to this the Shogun Official Podcast. Where the creators, actors, directors, crew, etc share the art of what they do. They connect the unseen dots of their art to create something beyond belief. A magic of making art. They're a team of visionaries all feeding off of each other. I think the river bed to carry me forward is dry because I am alone. Denial much?
I can see and hear and marvel at the genius there and other places. At how human minds can conjure ideas and images and emotions. I jaw drop at the creativity of it all. And then in a moment of blinding cosmic light it appears: seeing is not doing. I do not have or have lost the ability to create anything near what I marvel at or in most cases anything. I can drink espresso and create a moment to pee. But that's it. I wonder if I had collaborators like others do to sit and bat ideas around and be motivated by others to achieve? Sour grapes?
Perhaps i'm only seeing what I can't do and not what I can do? Or have done. Though for me the glass is half empty with a clear poisonous liquid. Comparison is the thief of joy. Perhaps this all comes back to if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it shit. Maybe I just let me fall alone in the forest and when the tree rots and bugs crawl out. The tree is found years later and the wood used to make a coffee table. And all of that is fine.
What I'm saying is accept what I can do. Strive to do better learn and grow. Get all giddy when greatness is seen. Stop slamming my face on the desk with self doubt and lack of self worth. Meh Not sure this will get me off my ass. Self-care and insight is kinda overrated. Yet that is my inner inside voice. For now