Frustration intolerance has been my buddy well before Donna died. It was a real issue between us because of the outbursts at myself and not her. Not sure why but to venture a guess I'd say it revolves around self image and worth. The intolerance is the outward expression of all of that and then some. Since her death there was no need to change it. No one sees it so tree forest falls does anyone hear. I do and perhaps tamping that intolerance down can help with the self image and worth. Change the symptom to help cure the disease. Most important is setting goals as the first step. Additionally I believe there are the exogenous elements driving the intolerance, aging, minor physical issues, slow adapting to the new me, and isolation. Those may be factors that feel like excuses.
Acceptance of changes is kinda of something I never considered. I thought I would just refuse to allow what happened (widowed, jobless, rudderless) take over my life. Accept changes sounds like surrender to me. I thought I was suppose to rage against the darkness, not roll over play dead and bed rot. As I look at the time since her death I can see there has been the gradual acceptance of my changes. As seen by what I do to fill my days. Though I don't feel them or bask in them and though others may see them as important I still don't. I hold on to what was and not is. In a way I've accepted her death and my grief. It's the presence in my life. Today that's less hurt and more settling in. And I've added doing to my being. Thank you Donna.
These changes and acceptance feel remote and meh to me. The one global change is that I've grown to be a greater person to others. That has been a result of my crisis counseling training and work. Helping others was not just learned responses but, from my own compassion and the direct extension of caregiving for Donna. She gave me her disease to care for her and I did. That caregiving has taken root in my life on a daily basis. Though truth be told self-compassion for me is fleeting. The shoe makers child goes barefoot. Donna loved me for me and this seems to be the me compassion and caring. The crushing reality of this is that Donna will never benefit from this better me. Humble brag here from someone who's deeply involved in caring for teens wrote this about my work.
"I would like to start by saying how incredibly impressed I am with the lifesaving work you have done. These teens are so lucky to have you during their most vulnerable hours. We need more true good humans like you, especially for the teens who are struggling so much right now. I cannot imagine the things you have heard or the conversations you have had." They see I don't. Or, I see this and think anyone can do this shrug.
Increased sense of purpose and engagement is there, if I look. It's there in many manifestations and activities. The reality for me is that I tend to fall into this trap: Comparison is the thief of joy. I see those I look up to as having achieved and continuing to achieve meaning and purpose. While I'm not what I was with my business and with Donna. As I measure that today and over those 4,384 days I see that I have created meaning and purpose for others. Volunteering at hospice, 9/11 Tribute Museum as a docent, as a volunteer crisis counselor, as a volunteer with AFSP, and with friends. That is meaningful and purposeful but I have not embraced it as something I did or do or having value. It is just putty used to fill the hole in my life that's called boredom. That right there the soft pink underbelly of my imposter and my self-perception. I'm not what I hope to be and I project. Yet all those things have been done for years and to be exact 4,384 days. I guess that is my open intellectual validation that I need to embrace. Donna loved me for my ability to self start, to do, and work hard at it. Me denying that I'm doing all of this is me denying her. I just need to see it and accept it as valid even if it is done in the dark unseen.
The list of goals identified by the neuropsych: better self-perception of self, feeling productive and connected as a method of intellectual validation, view future within shifted perspective, limited external reinforcements, falling short, increased flexibility and insight into perspective and ways to make changes. Are clear and seem to all fit under what I'm trying to take a measure of. I'd say all of these jargonish words can can fall under my adapting in a productive and meaningful way. Which perhaps is what is this death anniversary is a retrospective not of what was lost but what was gained from loss.
Missing from this screed are other humans. There are a bunch who surrounded me after Donna's death. Stayed with me. I know they are there for me. I want to be me for them if need be. Keeps me from sharing. I've been a chatty guy much to Donna's WTF. She always questioned my quantity over quality human collections. Since her death I've uncovered some tight close trusting friends. A long term friend sharing our humanity deeply. A real trust exists and grows. Another friend has drawn me into his family as an extension of it. It's so much more than I can ever have imagined. A great man with an an amazing family who accepts me for me. I work hard to be equal to what he is offering and giving from his heart and home.
There are two friends from my volunteering. A real surprise since volunteering in general is not the environment that is perfect for building lasting and meaningful connections. Volunteering is a bit transactional in nature and made up of a broad swarth of humans. Ferreting out valued connections is an exercise. But a few were made. Two stand out for the depth and meaning that is a bidirectional. The next video will address this in great detail.
One connection feels like a twine flame. The mirror of me in so many ways and completely different. Our connection was forged through the struggle with our work as volunteer and supervisor. It stumbled grew and became a deep connection of trust and support. The years we've know each other we have shared the failings and the slow relentless growth we both have made and will make. We may not speak/text for weeks and when we do it was as if the ribbon holding us together is still there never loosening.
The other is a similar situation volunteer and supervisor. This is different. It is early. It is a slow circling of two parties sensing the others being with great caution and measure. All the while I have this insight that the other holds great understanding for me at this point in my journey. As I spoke about the sense of presence with Jodi Comer I feel that same presence. A connection that is one where knowledge will be exchanged. A quiet strength of being that is refreshing. Time will tell. If time could speak.
So 4,384 days after Donna died and what I learned from her death and her being in my life. Donna is dead. Donna is not coming back. Donna I hope is waiting for me. I can join her at my will. She carried me here. I carried her here. My grief is there but so is all I've become and knowing what I've not become. That is what we had/have the difference between something that makes sense or something that makes you fall in love.
I want to see her again I want you to see her.