A couple of weeks (this was originally a YouTube Video done in October) ago I was visiting a dear friend and his fam. It was amazing to be embraced by a fam with teen and nearly teen. Breaking bread in a controlled chaos environment after living largely in isolation alone. Being toured around. Etc. Shut up y'all know I was going there...I did not feel worthy of this love and kindness. Why me being showered with this blessing of kindness, grace, and love? Of course I went all deep in my minds eye to figure it out. Not sure I did but here goes.
Just sitting in car with my buddy driving and marveling at it all. Small town. Slow pace. Folks being folks. Considering why this now for me. "You know this is my redemption tour. I'm going to make the rounds to make amends for being me." Said as a statement of purpose. It was the sincere sharing this leg of my journey. My buddy chuckled. I did not expect this from someone who is so reserved and polite. "Really, this needing to brand things is just so unnecessary. Live in the moment.?" As I like to say Fair and legit. I can see his point. To a point. It was warm sunny tree lined streets children laughing. The moment I was living as seen from the car. That in no way diminishes the love and sense of real family that was present. That and more was the present why not just sit back and live it. I did with my mind spinning. Self doubt self worth are the drivers of questions.
I read this in "Easy Beauty" by Chloe Cooper Jones "When does the act of stating become the act of branding?" Yes sir I was branding and not stating. And starting will be all themed out in the coming videos and posts.
Since Donna died I measured myself, her death, her love for me, and what it all means. I held the tape measure up to it all. I found solace in what was analysis. Not the raw emotions. It became exposition on my grief. Negligence to not till the soil of my loss to make what grows from that trauma grow. I thought I grew, changed, as I struggled. I wanted to share the light I found in my personal analysis of loss. As my buddy said, live in the moment. Though the moments have there moments. I know so obtuse. Said better, just try to find some knowledge for me and share that knowledge with others. Through with 20/20 hindsight I stepped around rending the garments of my heart.
This Insta Video from TikTok. Take a look.
This is not a shock about those who grieve. Those of us who lost someone have a huge, powerful, and deeply resonant capacity to love. To give love openly outwardly with abandon. I know that. I discovered that in me. Wrote about frequently. That is my, can I say a stop 1 on my redemption tour. Donna loved me into being. We loved each other. It was real and visceral when we were together, for birthdays, holidays, events, for us alone. She died. I still loved her. Still do. In absentia. Every day. I have not shied away from that placeholder which makes others uncomfortable. Why has he not moved on? Gained closure? I will refrain from addressing those terms and just say this video and others will show my analytic self analysis of grief avoid the reality of my loss and life.
There is meaning in life thru death...her death. She died I lived. My ego became less and less about me which was always filled with my self doubts etc. My life at least emotionally expanded became more about others. Volunteering, crisis counseling, sharing my baking with neighbors, and generally being available for others. Those I can help and do for is what matters. Within that confine it helps me to matter less to me. Less kindness and gratitude directed inward. I do for others and never for me. And that is the redemption tour core. Redeeming my lack of self worth by embracing or believing even a tad bit more what I give to others is what is me. Seeing as others do that I'm of value. Believing that. Ergo the trip to visit my buddy to feel deeply what others give me unconditionally. Not some brand...LOL
In closing, Donna died I suffered, hurt, and more. Yet in my isolation and loneliness I grew more become the true person donna loved into being, Yet I refused to see it to be it to accept it because she is not here to benefit She is there I'm here. I need to want to redeem myself to her and what I could've done better while she was alive. That is my hurt. Who I am now is what she dropped from her arms like an acorn. I have grown. I see that. Others tell me. I hate myself for that because she will never find shade under my branches.
I imagine speaking with Donna. In fact since I live alone I do speak with Donna. I speak with her as I speak with those I crisis counsel or friends who are struggling. I listen patiently and respond in kind. I tamp down my defensiveness at her complete and unfailing logic. I do that while she is somewhere else.
And in case you want to watch the video here is the link.