Within my grief I find the sweet fruit of memories to nourish me. As dates of meaning announce themselves those succulent memories become a rind of bitterness and pain.
Valentines Day is Donna's birthday. I sort of made a promise that I would not harsh anyone V-Day fun, shares, and PDA's with my postings about the swirling emotions of her not being here for me to gift the hell out of her.
Alas, she's not here. I'm here therefore I exist without her. Do the math. You get it
One of my wonderful wid buddies from Hot Young Widows Club called me. She wanted to chat about the chasm between those in grief and those who are grief adjacent. Her premise is that some of those we connected with prior to our persons death seem to drift off. The connections of then are not the same now. She wanted to know my experiences.
I really never thought about that. I just sort of assumed, most of those who drifted off after the immediate "So sorry for your loss." Just was what it was. Those who are still around are cut into two domains. There are those who were Donna's close friends, which were few since she did not tolerate fools gladly. Then there are my friends of many years and some recently met during Donna's illness and death
For the most part those who were Donna's dear and close friends remain adjacent to me. Not actively connecting with me but are here just the same. Donna was the connection. Me not so much. A few of these folks overlapped when Donna and I worked together and they are close today. There are those who knew Donna and I from the building and neighborhood. They are friends and we connect frequently
Those who befriended me during her illness and death remain close and we see each other as much as a pandemic will allow. Some have moved away and have a life but if need be I believe I can reach out.
In the end the entire idea of connections kept and lost resides within me and my self-awareness. To measure them is to judge someone else and that is not fair. This is about how I see me and what I project. It's captured so well in this quote from the CS Lewis essay "A Grief Observed".
'To some I’m worse than and embarrassment. I am a deaths’s head. Whenever I meet a happily married pair I can feel them both thinking. 'One or other of us must some day be as he is now.’
While Donna was being treated my grief began. It was anticipatory grief preparing me for what we both knew would be no happy ending to her/our story. After she died I jumped on my grief with both feet and fists ripping at it to learn, grow, understand, and share. That was my grief journey and work. To have light enter my grief wound. My wid friend shared with me this “My grief broke my heart open and I’ve learned to fill it with love.” How perfect is that.
Doing that, engaging in that work had two rationalizations. One, it was growth for me. Two, I'd like to think it offers some succor to those grieving. What it mostly looked like, at least to me, was my one trick pony world. Dead Donna and swirling grief. And most of all it felt like the Lewis quote above. Stay the fuck away from him. Though as said above those around me are not running for the hills. That does not change how I feel and what they may not say out loud. Is the projection or transference?
So with that said, I'm a boring one trick pony playing my one note knowing I will be seen as "deaths head". I am holding my posting and shares about Valentines Day and Donna's Birthday.
I'm mos def jelly at seeing all the happy V-day posts. Not angry or resentful or spiteful. Just empty. I want to do for Donna what I see others doing for their person. I can only do for Donna what I feel and this saying I miss you to myself hoping you hear me. Just writing this shows the whole one trick pony single note me.
At the same time perhaps one of those new to the grief journey will read this and find a sliver of insight some connection to my thoughts and their thoughts. I guess in the end those grieving get it. And again they may not
Happy Birthday and Happy Valentines Day Donna.