On the train to NJ to visit my sister in her new home. In a community. Post breakup. There's a story there. However it's okay. Slow heal.
I am or better said I portray an extrovert. I've shared my always chatting up those who serve me in stores or restaurants or just passing folks (not the entitled just those who work) with a nod or a smile. Toddlers too. It is my spread a bit of joy God knows there are days joy is a fleeting quality.
On the train I chatted up the conductor a bit. My usual. Hi. How ya doing? All good? Etc. I guess it was the gentle swaying of the train that lulled me into a considering this default extrovert me. The question why? When point of fact my sadness is similar to thermohaline circulation. Deep within me in constant motion.
In my most self-aware self I do know there is a reality. I reside on a spectrum. As we all do. However for me the boldest elements with that spectrum are 'Nothing matters' and 'I don't care'. Sprinkled within these are yeah I can be fun. I feel joy. I feel others. Those are not large bandwidths on my emotional spectrum. Just there. So all is not lost.
I do the chatty thing. It does feel good to give kindness and compassion to others. Most of all it deflects from me the cranky I don't care I never want to leave the house me. Not sure if that is a self-care exercise or just my mask of look I'm a nice guy. Kinda hard to know why. Perhaps is really me but it does fly in the face of my own self image of being invisible. If others see me in this light does that equal a like or heart on social media? Which comes back to needing external validations, since self valuations are far and few between. This is not a new cosmic insight for me. It's more the recurring theme that I still don't know what to do with.
Funny aside. I was on a jammed subway heading to Penn Station a guy (like 38 yo). He stands and asks if I want a seat. WTF. LOL I said I'm good thank you. While riding the train high on self reflection I thought about this and came to the following:
People still care and have multitudes of kindness
Kill me this just proved I'm old and aging like a milk carton
This dude was pranking me.
Each of those can exist independently. Or pick two. Why does my mind go there go there. LOL