"We Need to understand the Difference Between Isolation and Loneliness" published in the New York Times written by Kim Tingley. Tingley shares new data and examines how/why "Social isolation and loneliness tend to go together. Researchers have become increasingly aware, though, that you can experience one but not the other. That means these states of being may have different causes, different impacts on health and different potential solutions. "
The opening of her article sets this up so perfectly with a series of questions. How many close friends do you have that you can share with openly? How many do you see once a month? Do you participate in groups? Those are questions from the Berkman-Syme Social Network Index used by physicians to determine whether someone is "socially isolated". That is a huge leap right there if physicians even ask based on the work load, EMR, pressure from the corporate overlords they report to, and if they see it as a problem. Physicians hardly screen for suicidal risk so "Are You Lonesome Tonight" doesn't reach the level of elevated BP.
Tingley shares the U.C.L.A Loneliness Scale which measures the subjective state. It asks: How often do you feel you lack companionship? Feel left out? Feel isolated? I really am struck by the starkness of how I feel when I consider the differences between the Berkman-Syme index and the U.C.L.A. index. As Tingley points out older people and marginalized groups are smack dab at risk for both isolation and loneliness. "And that was before the pandemic..." The pandemic is the gift that keeps on giving which just amps up both isolation and loneliness like the Band Haan cranked up to 10 in the car barreling down PCH #1.
I'm going to let you read the her piece with all the analysis and insight. She does have this quote from the Senate Special Committee on Aging June 2020 which is true true.
“We do not know how long we have to be lonely or isolated, or how severe this must be for us to have lasting negative consequences.”
The bonus part of her article are the comments which range from, not quotes, "Wut who has six friends that they can trust and open up to" Or quoting Pascal "Humanity's problems are a result of you not being able to park your ass and be alone." Donna would make sure to remind me of this since I always was an extrovert and wanted to be around people. Then is different now. My shell is my safe place because I wouldn’t want to join a club with me in it.
The Berkman-Syme Index questions are the ones I'll address. The subjective questions presented by the U.C.L.A index are somewhat answered if you read between the lines
How many people can I share with? I have a few. Six? That would be boasting. The rub for me here is that those I share with, which comes out in fits and starts of emotional vomit, gets and understands me. They will call out my behavior. One or two among them know what to say. One I trust deeply and can share so well with. And that's it. I am so not into TMI about me. It comes down to I don't want anyone up in my grill. But I think most of all it is 'Who the fuck wants to hear from me or why am I putting my shit on them?' And that right there is funny AF. Besides, they struggle as well and being there for them is my mask or that shell I crawl into.
When I'm crisis counseling I ask the human on the otherside if they have friends they trust to share with? They likely say, 'I have a friend(s) I can talk to but I don't want to be a burden. They have so much going on I don't want to lay my stuff on them.' I get it. Do I ever. My response to them is the importance of sharing. Sharing in a collective way with someone helps to reframe our internal narrative. When we pull the puzzle pieces in our heads out for others to see. Us to see. In a way those pieces become a path forward. A first step. Then I add, sharing our vulnerability is a way to connect and build a better friendship. File that under do as I say not as I do. My bad.
How many friends do I see in a month? Shrug. There are reasons why. The ones I'm close too are far away. Or they are busy as heck. I could make a greater effort to reach out. Which may end up on my New Years Resolution list. There are casual friends in the hood. Casual being the operative word here. They are not a group I can share my cray cray with. They would freak out, though I'm sure they suspect.
The question about participation in groups is a another insightful question one with caveats. Besides being a volunteer crisis counselor. Also I'm a docent volunteer at the 9/11 Tribute Museum. Then there is the Instagram and Tweeter communities which in some failed logic I believe are groups. I share my grief posts with and am a participate. Are these 'groups' really? Another whole hearted shrug. I'm there and I participate. Less for me to find a place to share and feel connected. It's more for me to support and do for others. I guess that's connection though based on the Beckman-Syme Index I should be connecting to manage my loneliness. Which it does. To a point.
There is this cosmic insight about participation which is specific to crisis counseling and may bleed into the the other things I participate in as well as the trusted friends shares. I like, no love, helping someone in crisis. I am so focused and dedicated to listening and allowing them to find a path forward by my just being there with them. For 45' or more I'm just drilled down into someone else. Connecting, helping, listening, being 100% part of their struggles. I work to feel their shoulders relax and move toward calm a place of hope and forwardness in life. Then we say bye. And sometimes I am proud of myself. Shrug
I feel good about these conversations. I gave validations get validations and confirmations about us working this out. Double flex. That's perfect for me and why I love it. I get to be me and get props for being me and we never see each other again. I don't have to fret about being ghosted. LOL I am the little prince. How amazing is that? Which I think hints at the perception vs. reality of isolation vs. loneliness vs. me. I can remain behind my mask and still be a force for good. Kind of like micro-dosing. I am not sharing me though having some level of ersatz community to assuage loneliness and isolation.
I also get to improve my writing (you'd be surprised how skilled you have to be to communicate in just 165 characters), using language, and finding words that matter. I can't help but feel I'm am getting more then I'm giving. Shrug.
The subjective U.C.L.A. index: How often do you feel you lack companionship? Feel left out? Feel isolated?. A lot I guess like teens say 'compare and despair'. These U.C.L.A. feels are just that, subjective feels cemented into reality. They reside in me on my continuum of my world as I see myself. They are directly related to Donna's death and my grief. In the end Isolation and Loneliness and Me becomes a rather interesting Venn. A Venn I am seeing now and I guess should see what I can do about it all. Perhaps it is this idea of collective effervescence and how communities can blunt trauma and a sense of isolation.
"Psychologists find that in cultures where people pursue happiness individually, they may actually become lonelier. But in cultures where they pursue happiness socially — through connecting, caring and contributing — people appear to be more likely to gain well-being." Full article here.