Here we are in St. Barts being all Hell’s Angles,
As the world began to slowly opened up from the devastation of our collective pandemic life it became crystal clear the crushing reality of my isolation and grief for 16 months. I could not help to think this is similar to being boiled like a frog on a low simmer. Finally, I was done. Skin as raw as my emotions. My drive to create, build, and do was simply floating lifeless in the pot. Simmering.
This was complacency plan and simple. I had given up. Surrendered to life's short cuts. I was wishing to be whisked away to a magical place where it all came together. I could do and be. It was out of reach or even awareness. There was nothing I wanted to do or feel I needed to. I just made up things to keep moving knowing, that if I stopped doing anything I would fall into my personal abyss of animated self-loathing.
Random acts of discovery or perhaps a divine intervention. A podcast that I am very fond of To The Best of Our Knowledge appeared in my peripheral life . They actually call themselves a radio show which is much better. Their shows are bright, intelligent, and so inspiring. They impart knowledge and understanding. The most recent show Our Time of Mourning was a listen during my daily ride. It opened with this "Is there a better way to talk about death? And to grieve? " I was all in.
There is so much in this show which had four parts The Barred Owl Who Came To Visit, How The Irish Talk About Death, How to Remember A Beloved Brother? A Memorial Tattoo, and A Physician-Poet Bears Witness to the Pandemic's Lost Voices. Each part deserves a deep dive which I will try to accomplish. But first I want to share snippets of the owl segment with perspective to my grief journey.
This radio show partly pushed me out of my complacency. Most of all it gave new insight into my grief journey and my world today. So let’s go and hope I don't get all chatty Cathy verbose and redundant.
Part 1 The Barred Owl Who Came To Visit
Host Anne Strainchamps opens the show with 'Something happens that the universe is trying to tell you something' opens this segment and turns it over to Heather Swan. I never considered that Donna's death in 2011 was the universe speaking to me. In a way I saw it as my lot in life. My cross to bear. The universe speaking to me was a new consideration. Less speaking and more what was it saying? I hold fast to the idea that my grief wound allowed light and knowledge in I question have I really measured what the light was what was its purpose. Swan used the word privileged to describe the owl befriending her. I never considered the privilege (strange word) Donna loved me into being and how that privilege needs to be considered.
Swan notes that owls are messengers. A Screech Owl is a messenger that the eldest member of a family is going to die. She shares that her father died at that time. The Owl became that messenger for her fathers death.
There was no symbol about Donna's death just X-Rays and MRI's. In Native American Culture when the owls visit family members prepare for the death of a loved one. For the three years Donna was in treatment I prepared. I closed my business, became a caregiver, and took her disease from her so she could remain herself. That is not preparation. It was activities to thwart my PTSD.
Swan continues about how being with that owl brought her ego down and she began trusting in something bigger than herself. Her fear of her fathers death and how we don't talk about death well. She found herself witnessing her fathers death and not trying to control it in a way. To honor what her father wished.
With Donna's diagnosis and death I wish I could say I didn't try to control her death. I think my interference with her decision on receiving whole brain radiation and how she suffered complete loss of her hair was my failing. My being all about caregiving was honoring what Donna wanted though it denied the being ready for her death. I take comfort in the fact we all grieve differently. Not enough comfort.
Swan shares that when her father died she understood that he was not just a physical being. Her dad transformed into something she did not understand, he transformed into something more that she does not understand. His existence changed into more. This is new knowledge for me or new something to consider.
After her death Donna transformed into something more for me. In the course of that change and my grief journey I've become something more. I've used all my musings, tomes, posts, shares, Tweets, IG, and photos to tell her story. My story. Our story. What I have not done was to share how I've changed into more of what Donna loved into being. Who I am. That she'll never see or benefit from. I'm not satisfied with me being me and her not benefiting. I want to show her through our stories what I've become. Frame what is today to her setting me in emotion in life and death.
My owl is this radio show. It’s telling me that the time has come to move from narrative reflection to self-aware reflection.
I will post my thoughts on How The Irish Talk About Death in a couple of days. I really really implore you all to listen to this radio show. Especially if you're on a grief journey.