The Timing of Grief
Blake Ziegler writing in The Observer, a student-run print and online newspaper serving Notre Dame, Saint Mary's, and Holy Cross, has written a thoughtful and important article on the mourning process with all its complexities that we struggle with.
Ziegler addresses his worry that in our grief/mourning we may be stuck in the emotional amber of memories and forget our own lives. He rightly questions that entire topic of moving on or closure and questions do we truly get to address our emotions. He asks if we really to get to move on if we end our grief after the ceremonies. Read his writing it is thoughtful and smart. He questions it simply with this quote:
Yet, sometimes I still wonder if I should be angry at the world for moving too quickly or thankful for the excuse of life, so I do not have to approach my emotions.
I have my own mantra on this entire closure idea. Closure is indifference. Closure is denial said pretty. Closure is a myth. Ziegler points out:
"We feel grief and sadness but act as thought it is normal and "time will heal."
So very true we act when in reality we need to take a dive into our grief and our emotions. I feel there is much to learn, much knowledge about ourselves, our loss, and love if we look inward.
End-of-Life Wishes for Advanced Cancer Patients: A Randomized Controlled Trial
This was published originally in 2016. It still holds up and says much about how we need to address this issue with our loved ones.
The researchers created a Go Wish card game to help facilitate end-of-life conversations. They interviewed 100 patients with advanced cancer to determine EOL wishes. Patients found the GWCG helpful to them in being able to present their wishes at EOL. And if nothing else being able to speak about our EOL wishes is key. SEE BELOW
The results demonstrated that patients with advanced cancer assigned high importance to spirituality and the presence/relationships of family.
“Now would be a good time to have end-of-life discussions with her,” the Hospice Rabbi and social worker said. “What does she want for her funeral? What are her regrets? Did she find joy in her life?”
Joy? I failed her. All I could do was think of that.
I hesitated for a day. Then next afternoon, alone in the room with Donna, I looked at her in the bed and said, “Donna, perhaps you want to talk about your funeral.”
She looked over at me and said, “Don’t be a maudlin pussy.”
Then she rolled onto her side and fell asleep.
That’s my Donna.
Perhaps the card game would have helped. Nah she was her own person from birth till death.
Untangling Grief: A Psychotherapist's View
Lillian McGuire writing in Thrive Global offers up some very smart ideas on our grief process. The subhead of this title speaks volumes "every person has a relationship with grief. It is a very powerful feeling, yet widely misunderstood." True that.
McGuire worked with Hannah Tate-Smith on this article. One of points they make with I agree with is that we generally downplay our grief if it not over someone's death. We discount our feelings about things.
I know for me that with most people who ask how am I, even early on in my grief journey I said fine. They address this clearly, we are carrying negative emotions even if we say fine. There was link to a picture. It is the best I've seen on grief in our heads.
They offer a list of ways to embrace your grief. Most of these make great sense. I know for me my key to embracing it is writing about my loss, Donna, and what I've learned like what McGuire and Smith are presenting.
Here are their thoughts;
What keeps you grounded? Meditation, prayer, scents, or a piece of clothing
Take breaks and learn to say no to a commitment if that is what you feel
Breath. Seems simple enough but I have found taking some deep cleansing breaths helps.
Give yourself some time to cry. I see that and have done that though I don’t set out to cry as much as when the emotions hit me if I am reading, watching, writing, or listening. I let it all come to the surface.
This is an excellent and well thought through piece. Worth a read. Perhaps a few reads.