A 97 Year Old Philosopher Ponders Life and Death
The Atlantic offered up an article and YouTube video “A 97 Year-Old Philosopher Ponders Life and Death: What is the Point?”
Philosopher Herbert Fingarette taught for 40 years at the University of California, Santa Barbara. Early in his life and work he wrote, when you die “there is nothing”. In this film, at age 97, twenty years after he wrote that he is questioning his thinking.
This is fascinating and deeply insightful 18 minutes. The Atlantic, besides the film has a short write-up about Fingarette and the film. Again worth the watch and read.
There were two take aways for me specific to the Death of Donna, my wife of 28 years. Fingarette speaks to the death of his wife and says “her absence is a presence”. How perfectly on point when we think about our grief.
Later in the film he is reflecting on the trees in his backyard and is amazed at the transcendence of it all. At what he hadn’t seen before. I may consider that later in my life. Which seems soon. Right now thinking about Donna and what I see after her death and during her life is a moment of transcendence for me. It has been and will continue to be what I hold dear, Donna loved me into being and continue to do so. I continue to live up to that role and not leave her behind.
The Time Warp and Grief
Marie Lundorff writing in Aeon has this piece “Why Time Doesn’t Heal All Grief.” This is a well written and carefully measured look at complicated grief.
Lundorff analysis is perfectly written to explain a normal grief journey and one that is complicated. She reports that in 2022 WHO will include grief-specific diagnosis in their classification guideline for mental disorders. ICD-11. Complicated grief is called “prolonged grief disorder’.
I original wanted to read because I’ve written about complicated grief previously. I saw something different. Lundorff was writing about the final stages of therapy for complicated grief and working toward resumption of life without the deceased. This is a quote from the article that rings so true.
"This element emphasizes establishing and maintaining a healthy bond to the deceased, including an acceptance that life continues, and targeted help to reengage in meaningful relationships”
As I read this I first questioned if I have I achieved those modest goals since Donna’s death? I’d like to think I have, to a point. I will readily admit I have work to do. Listening to Neil Peart’s book Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. I am learning there is more I can do or better said more I want to do but I don’t think I am in the throws of complicated grief.
What I did see with my second question to myself was 'Are others seeing some of what I post or talk about and think I’m still actively grieving?' Do they measure me that way?
I guess it is how I see myself that is important not what others see or think. Though I will add that I am a bit subject to crowd pleasing therefore I tend to hold back those moments of my grief journey. I will admit to self censoring and disloyalty to my self belief. I need to embrace I do not have one f*** to give. Yet.